After a little difficulty dealing with "side effects" John and I had an incredible week in Dallas. We saw only a few old times friends, but I saw each at least twice. Under the circumstances (mine), getting more than one visit in made us all feel the ongoing friendship. Didn't plan it that way but am so grateful to have learned that.
John and I were entertained like dignitaries visiting many beautiful, elegant, tasty, very Texas places in Dallas with a side trip to Mineola.
Before the trip, I was experiencing some psychological sadness... dare I say anger... about many little things in my life. Trying to work through them I realized that a lot of it comes from my growing anger, frustration, and lack of control on many aspects of my life.... I was and AM really, really angry at the CANCER.
I have not made peace with that, but I my anger is counter balanced by the realization that this beautiful trip and another incredibly emotional ladies lunch would not have had the intensity if it weren't for the cancer. Such paradox's and serendipity.
To complete the circle of feeling that this a global reality I am experiencing, I just received a new word from the labyrinth. This is the 28th from me dear friend Suzan Zeder. So appropriately, the word is COMPANION. I can't pretend to summarize - her usage of words is too important. Please read and enjoy:
As I walked this morning I carried the complexity of many conflicting feelings. I struggled to find a word wise enough to bring insight and elastic enough to hold all of the opposites I felt. As I walked everything was quiet, even the birds seemed to be thinking! Zack crossed his dog paws and pondered. Then I noticed my own shadow as my silent companion, growing larger or dwindling as the sun splashed over me. So, the word for today is companion.
Companion: One with whom you spend a lot of time.
One with whom you travel.
It occurred to me that all these conflicting feelings are really not enemies but
Sorrow is softened by joy
Fear is tempered by Courage
Concern is leavened with Celebration
Even Grief is comforted by Gratitude.
As we walk with our shadow selves and with the memory of those we have lost, we often find ourselves caught between the conflicting ends of an emotional spectrum. Perhaps the best plan is simply join hands and hearts and to embrace the paradox of opposing forces so we may walk with grace through this liminal space.