Time to re-assess

Almost Two weeks without a  Doctor visit!  Grateful for simple things!

Will and KA - last Fall trip to the lake

Mary Jane and Andrew - John's Niece and Husband

Life sure has changed as the focus becomes on survival.  Three Chemo’s done and now its time for an assessment of sorts.  Friday I go in for a PET Scan – to discern what changes might have taken place since first diagnosed.    Three months have passed.  The prognosis   in September was one to two years.  Funny,  that made me hopeful and very happy since I was thinking 3 to 5 weeks at this point.  I think I need to get a much more positive attitude! This was after they did tests on my cancer cells at St Francis to see if I might qualify for any of the three new drugs used on certain types of Lung Cancer.  I didn’t – so the standard regime was started.

I also went to Dana Farber – everyone I talked to on the east coast said I needed  to do that.   They are testing other drugs for certain forms of lung cancer and there is a small chance I might qualify.  They sent to St. Francis to get some of my “cells” to run more tests.  Unfortunately,  there weren’t enough cells available and I will need to have a biopsy to give them more.  Meanwhile, they recommended to continue the first round of chemo and see how it is working.  And that’s where we are today.

I still feel just fine – still have no symptoms that would make me know I have this cancer growing.  I obviously dread  the day I do feel  that.  I must live in the moment and not think about that.   That is not so easy to do – but I will continue to try.  I am finding that the Holidays are bringing on more anxieties and sadness.  Words keep coming into my mind like an evil devil who wants to bring me down.  “stage four lung cancer”  was the first  phrase I had difficulty with – couldn’t say it – hard enough to string the words together in my mind.  Now the word  “last” has infested my thought and totally turns me to tears.  Don’t go there Jan!! 

David Jr arrived this afternoon for Thanksgiving.  Tyler comes Monday.  Johnny can’t make it but will be here for two weeks over Christmas.  I will try to put on a happy face and make it a season to remember with positivity.  I think I know one key to it – focus on being kind and what might make the other people happy.    I know that will go a long way for me.  But another thing I am learning is that I need to ask for things that will make ME happy. Do the things that make me feel  connected – my instinct is to hide under a rock and talk to NO ONE!  I know this is wrong and unhealthy – but it’s there.

I also need to do things for my health – I need to walk more.  John and I did a lot of that in the city two weekends and it felt great.  I also went to a Yoga class yesterday – to help me keep those lungs open and breath deep.  I was really pleased to find a very warm, nurturing atmosphere. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by love of friends and family.  I will update you as I can.  I do appreciate your interest and concern.

Last weekend we took a ride up to Rockport and Gloucester, MA 

A Family Affair

The kindness and encouragement that I have received from you readers has been strengthening... and Weakening!  Emotions are raw - especially in the days following chemo.  This is a difficult journey.  I hope by sharing, I will also gain some clarity and vision.

I do NOT feel particularly "brave" or courageous walking this walk.  It is what I need to do.  It's the path in front of me that can't be denied.  I am not alone.  By bringing you with me,  I am sharing the burden!

Many of you have mentioned the importance of family and friends and hoping that the boys are offering support.  They ARE!  I only started with the my diagnosis and John DeWeese's phenomenal support to set the bigger stage of what is  going on here!

Before MY diagnosis the boys had to muster up major courage and face another tough piece of reality.   We all became closer, more open and vulnerable, and much more appreciative of each other five weeks before My diagnosis...  because there is more of this story that must be told - more that makes it seem like one huge nightmare!

But first - a picture of happier times - of the team!

The family at Will and Katharine Ann's wedding May 2014
John, Tyler, K.A and Will, Me, David Sr and David Jr.

On Monday, June 20th I called David - the DAD - to see how he was doing. He had been feeling poorly for awhile and was not getting any answers for his increased fatigue and back pain.  He told me he had to go to the emergency room right away because something had shown up on his blood test.  After establishing that he should NOT be driving himself,  I picked him up and we proceeded to St. Francis Hospital in Hartford.  After a full day in the ER, many tests, Xrays and Doctors,  David was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma, Kidney failure and oxygen issues.  He was in very poor shape with little strength.

The next two weeks were as blur as I spent most of my time at the hospital.  Will, K.A., and Janet - Dave's sister were there as well. It was hard to stabilize him with all the variable out of wack.  He was in and out of intensive care, consciousness , and (we felt) life.  After the first week he became delirious and seemed to be going down hill too fast.  I called the boys home and they all arrived within 24 hours - petrified and knowing not what to expect.  After a couple more days of delirium Dave started coming around, recognizing that all had gathered.  With the panic in his eyes, and the encouragement that "the Team" had gathered to help him fight the fight,  he slowly started coming around.  I believe their being there gave him strength and courage to keep up the fight.

John and Tyler staid a week,  Davey two.  Great that they could take the time off from their responsibilities.  David Sr moved from floor to floor in the hospital for the next month - ER, heart, Cancer, Kidney... whatever was the issue of the time, and there were many.  After a month he went to a rehab facility to gain strength - but got pneumonia and was back at St Francis by the end of August.  More of this incident later - let's focus on Dave here.

Dave is receiving Dialysis three times a week and Chemo once a week.  As of two weeks ago he was liberated from hospitals and Rehab facilities.  Although he can not take care of himself yet,  he is happy to be living with his sister who is taking great care of him.  He is getting stronger every day eating real food and breathing fresh air!

This IS a family affair.  Having four boys home and tensions running high with fears of death, loss, unknown,  we were all held together with our love  for each other and great concern.  We all spent time every day in the hospital sitting with David, talking to Doctors, trying to make some sense of what we were experiencing.

During the first two weeks i would occasionally get a text from John D. telling me that he was in the lobby of the hospital... just in case I needed him!  OMG.  Amazing support.  And I did need him.  We all needed him.  He helped us all understand some of the medical information we were getting as well as keep us calm and focused.  He asked pertinent questions that we wouldn't have know to ask.  We were each very grateful to have his input.

But there is MORE.  During these first five weeks - and especially during the times the boys from out of town were around,  John FED them - either at a restaurant near the hospital or (more frequently) he cooked dinner at his house!  Every evening we would gather around a meal and recap the day, talk about our feeling and reactions and ask more questions - while getting the needed sustenance to face the next challenge.   BTW - did I mention that John is a fabulous cook?

During this whole time,  I am unknowing that there is a wicked demon of similar ilk lurking in MY body,  yet to be discovered.

Sadness and Gladness

Sadness and Gladness

Thank you all for taking the time to read up on my situation.  I regret the sadness that it has conveyed - but there is no getting around the fact that it is both sad and scary.

Now let me tell you a bit of the happiness and good fortune that my life contains in the midst of all this terror.  As I mentioned before,  I am living with a wonderful man who I have known for a couple of years.  He is a widower, yes he has been through this before and not that long ago.  Last June we went to Alaska and decided to get married,  maybe sometime in the Fall.   When I was first diagnosed,  I felt that everything had changed.  It had, but then again it hadn't.  His steadfastness was and is a true blessing.  He is right by my side and we are proceeding with living life the best we can while we can.

Right now,  I do not feel sick - tomorrow I will from the chemo - but otherwise I feel quite well.  John and I just had a great weekend in NYC seeing Rigoletto at the Metropolitan Opera and eating our way across the city.  My appetite is still good and I have gained some weight.  We walked a lot which is very good for me.  I do not look sick or act it and plan to keep that up as long as I can.

pictures to let you know I mostly do not feel, look or act sick  - carpe diem

John is a great cook, a fabulous support, a very intelligent person and I am very lucky to have him in my life.  We have both found surprising happiness and comfort in each other. I could write much more, and will, about what a wonderful man he is,  but introductions today.

John is an orthopedic surgeon working with the Shriner's hospital in Springfield MA in his retirement!    His family has been more than welcoming to me and my boys have taken a great liking to him.  More on that in another Blog,  but I don't want to overwhelm you with too much at one point.

My mailing address is 173 Longmeadow Street,  Longmeadow, Ma  01106 and cell is still 860-214-5151.  Email is janbabsonanderson@gmail.

we both could fit in the glider!!

I am not taking pictures like I used to.... but I will include some where I can,  I still very much believe in the importance as I did in my Creative Memories days.

Here are two pictures of us when John took me gliding in Bar Harbor in October.  It was truly gorgeous, and quiet.  I have to pinch myself when I realize that I have a mini private make a wish foundation in this man.  He is helping me forget that I have the cancer and focus on living in the moment.  A true blessing.

Meanwhile,  with Will and KA living so close by and in a one bedroom apparatment,  they are going to move into my house in Suffield.  Hopefully this will work out for them at least in the near term.  giving them more space and me the ease of not having to do much else with it except clear out whaat I can.  After 10 years it is a big change for me and I will miss having my own space.  But to see them happy there and know I am well cared for an not alone is just what I need right now.  Occassionally I think of how that would feel right now,  and there is no question I am a lucky girl,  even in this.

I hope this takes a little of the sting of sadness that I sent you the other day.  It's a roller coaster here and I am trying to focus on the positive.  Short term planning, being as genuine as I can and making every moment a bit more meaningful.  I have enjoyed hearing from you.  It brightens my day.  Keep your thoughts and prayers coming my way.  The support sustains me.

Summer 2015

It's been a horrendous summer for me. It started out very well with an amazing cruise in Alaska!  I'll get back to that at a later point, but now I need to tell you of my new "journey" that was assigned August 31st.

After suffering ten days of increased difficulty breathing, I left the beautiful Adirondacks to get the breathing back in order.  Unfortunately,   It wasn't asthma.   I was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer.  My left lung cavity had filled with liquid, leaving that lung useless and all my innards cattywanpus!   A week in the hospital, a little surgery and X-rays....I was finally permitted to leave... With an oxygen tank.  John DeWeese brought me to his house in Longmeadoe, MA where I have been and will be.

I am having treatment at St Francis hospital in Hartford.  Why I choose that hospital will be revealed in another post, for now I want to focus on my immediate story.  I have also gone to Dana Farber.  My cancer cells were tested to see if I qualified for any of the new approved drugs.  I did not. We hoped there would be more material to test for eligibility with new drugs being tested.  There was not, so those tests are being postponed until we see how the standard chemo is working.  Meanwhile, Friday Nov 6th I have my third chemo treatment. Later in the month I will have a PETSCAN.

The chemo knocks me out three days later and then decreasing for the next two.  I have the rest of the three week period pretty normal....now.

David and Tyler taking some time at Raquette Lake

The boys have all come to visit. Having Will and Katharine Ann here has been such a blessing.  I am stable now and dealing with insurance and other legal issues.  Friends have come by from "away" as they say in Maine,  I can get around myself.  John and I have been back to the Adirondacks twice, to Maine, and are headed to the Met for Rigoletto and a night in the city.   I have not been still.

I am writing this to get some facts out there. You may already know this or not.  It is very difficult to talk about from the beginning but I am getting much better at not dwelling on it but continuing to live as normally as I can.  We all never know when the time will be up, I have an indication but don't know for sure.

Let's continue living and make every day more meaningful. Carpe diem!

I plan to write more on this sage to keep those of you interested informed.
This blog is for those dear to me.   That's why I sent you. The address.  If you know of someone I might have missed, you may share it.  But be discerning, there likely will bei some very personal stories here. It's not for Facebook, ok.?

fabulous fall colors at Raquette Lake

Sunfish added to the toys at the lake enjoyed by many a cousin and family - and ME!

Me and John overlooking Columbus circle and Central Park after an evening at the Met!

Sunday Brunch with my Family

Sunday October 19th I had the great pleasure of having brunch in Dallas with all of my boys. This was the culmination of a great Texas/OU weekend. I planned a sales trip to Texas around the gathering of the boys for the weekend. After a week of traveling around Texas from Houston to San Antonio to Dallas and Fort Worth visiting many yarn stores I enjoyed a great weekend in Dallas.


Above is a picture of me with the guys. If I were still sending the annual Christmas card, this would be the photo of the year. the family was augmented by two beautiful young ladies giving me the female support that I have longed for!



Susie Presser and Katherine Ann Buck, pictured above were brought to this gathering by Tyler and Will. Tyler found Susie in Steamboat and Will, KA in Austin! Both great gals who share an allegiance with Alabama!

 

Here is the gang with the two pups, Silver who belongs to Tyler and Kinney Brown Dragon, son of Silver who belongs to Davey. An expanding family portrait!

 

Davey works in a beautiful restaurant in Dallas - Maximo's at Alpha and Noel. Tyler, in Steamboat on trees, John is in Dallas waiting on tables and playing the piano, and Will is tending bar at Carraba's in Austin. They are each taking care of themselves and continue to be great friends to each other. I only wish the geographic challenges weren't so large!

these pictures will help you see How they have matured and continue to enjoy each others company. I feel very blessed.

Tobacco Barns in Suffield

I haven't blogged for about a year here - and realize that I have missed it, if not for you but for myself. A sense of order and openness - back from the Creative Memories Days. With this gorgeous arrival of Fall, I will regress in future posts through some of the things I want to share in the passed year. Looking forward and looking back - lots to be thankful for.

Fall in Suffield and the height of the tobacco drying season. The area is famous world wide for the supreme tobacco leaves they produce for cigar WRAPPERS! Not the ring I used to love to get from Grandfather's cigars. It's all about the outside wrapper which requires an evenly dried, large tobacco leaf usually grown under tents to keep them from spotting in rain or sun.

The true beauty to me of this process is the BARNS. Incredible long rectangular structures that are very much the same as they have been for hundreds of years. Although there have been many technological attempts to simplify the process, it still has to be done the natural way. the barns are slatted so control air flow and are geometric visions while they are in use

Amazon Reviews

August is slow in the yarn business so I have been laughing out loud at some very funny reviews on Amazon. This was all new to me since I thought amazon.com was a pretty serious site of commerce. It turns out that there is some real viral marketing going on there from the grass roots (or who knows where it is from but the big marketing companies might feel threatened). If you haven't seen these, I hope you enjoy the ride. If you have, and have some to add for me to see - bring 'em on.

I will give a quick view of some of the finds that have come across my computer and try to be relatively brief, you can get into much greater detail on your own, waste a day or two following links, and be amazed at the creativity out there. Or, you can get back to work, whatever that may be.

The first is the the "Three Wolf Moon T-shirt" - seems pretty simple and straightforward.


and then you might notice that there are 1363 reviews. of a t-shirt? what is this about? Read on... there are magical powers for sure here. and then you notice little things like 13,670 out of 14,222 found this review helpful. People have a lot of time on their hands.

After you have had the chance to read some of these reviews, jump over to youtube and check out this and you will actually witness the magic.


You may have noticed a reference to "Tuscan whole milk"... which leads you to think there is something else you might want to get from Amazon. Here, again, are some great reviews

My personal fave is the second one by Edgar from Baltimore... could this be E. Allen Poe? Such beautiful writing! Oh - wait, you can hear this read to you here

And lastly on this guided quest, I want to share, from other products you might be interested in the great reviews for "A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates (Paperback)"Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for."

So simple and yet so powerful!

A special thank you goes to my brother John Babson who brought these wonderful finds to my attention - he really does have too much time on his hands!!

If you have more to add to this - please leave a comment and share with others. Consumerism rules!