Oncology Appointment

Almost two and a half years have passed since Diagnosis Day.  I am reflective - reflecting - pondering the time and maybe the meaning - but certainly the blessing I have had and realize more than ever.  Nothing has changed - at least that I know of - I am about to have my appointment after 2 months of time off.  It's the longest between appointments.  They said it was because I was doing so well.  I'll go with that.

Two and a half years - intense awareness of each moment.  Appreciation for the opportunities that have been given to me.  The time with my boys - the ability to entertain them here and to go visit them there.  And of course the most recent addition!   Who knew how much fun that would be?  OK - You ALL knew but I couldn't let myself go there until...   Suffice it to say that I have never been so focused and in the moment as when I get to spend time with that sweet little boy who is just learning how to laugh.  What a skill!

OK - I digress.

The opportunity to  visit with and spend special time with friends, near and far.  A wonderful week with Dallas friends, upcoming second attempt at visiting Florida friends,  catching up with California friends in California and in Longmeadow.

Travel to areas of great intrigue, experience different cultures, histories, vistas - what a beautiful world.  And then to come home, recharge relax enjoy John's company and cooking and cozy down into our home.  I am one lucky girl.

then WHY do I feel depressed sometimes?  Reality of the loss of David Sr.  Missing my precious Gracie.  Sadness of passing of dear friends...

  and then there is  this cloud looming over my head.  I don't look like sick (stage four sick whatever that looks like), I don't feel like it,  and I am beating the odds.  How long will that be true?  My friends tell me I am going to be around a long time.  But I still feel there is some kind of race with the clock.  And I feel it most strongly before PET scans and before Oncology appointments.  Anticipation - Carly Simon - of another appointment, concerned that I don't ask all the questions I want to (maybe out of fear), that HE hears something different in my chest,  concern that there is a change somewhere else in my body that triggers an alarm.  This is the time the changes are noticed.  So I get depressed, scared, shut down my feelings, go under a rock, shut out my friends... - and then it will be over - the appointment that is.

I'll get back to you - just wanted share - it helps me.


Returned from the Dr. and all seems well - Pet Scan and next appointment scheduled for 2 months out!