Appropriate Parodox

This is a phrase I learned from a good friend who also is linked to the daffodil history and the hope that it brings.  Appropriate paradox is more about the reflection of the state of yin and yang in our lives.  With this, comes that...  there is a balance.   Let me give you the example that brought this up this morning....

William Anderson is amazing!  OK - he’s my grandson and anyone with a Grand knows what I mean.   When I am going to see him, I get pumped.  When we see each other, he makes me feel alive and important.  He is a big reason to keep going as everyday is gift and a giggle.

The Paradox lies in what keeps me going has, again stopped me.  Yesterday I went to the Dr. with a hacking,l juicy cough and a lot of anxiety.

When she listened to my lungs put fear in my heart with a face of doom.  I have seen that look on her face before.  She said my lungs were full and I should get a scan right away. THEN... my amazing husband asked her to listen again, and then he asked me to cough up whaat I could.  She listened and ... all was clear!   Anxiety averted.  But the Paradox is that this is the second time I have gone to the Doctor with wicked coughs and colds.  As much as I hate to consider this,  I know where the cold came from.  A combination of Nursery school, a perfect grandson with occasional runny noses, and a compromised immune system....  Damn!

Praise Antibiotics as I am again on the mend and will continue enjoying every day.

HAPPY THIRD YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO US.  I has been a beautiful journey and I owe a lot to this wonderful man -to begin with, my life!

Easter Sunday Will, KA, William and John Anderson joined me an Dr. John at church.  I was so tickled.  John Anderson even joined our choir for one hymn.  A very happy Mom.

Considerations

I am doing so well right now, that I can pull off  that I am to sick.  Celebrations!  I know how fortunate I am as I reach out to others at different points along their Journey.  I have two new friends who are suffering very badly and the news does not look good.  I ache for them and can do little but drive, answer the phone, visits,  share stories.  Any suggestions would be helpful as well as ways to deal with the sadness.

My own situation is much better but there are issues.  On the Barge trip we all enjoyed ourselves.  I have been frustrated with my inability to retrieve words and keep my mind on a single chain ofthought.  I also an still woobly and my footing is not as assured.  Every now and then I have to take an extra step or two.  These are things I need to live with and will.  The question is, should I be open about my situation or not.

On the barge trip all these things were going on.  I mentioned to a couple of people a little of the situation but not to the people who were in charge - taking us around.  I really don’t want to sound like whining - just getting info across.  No need for special treatment.  At the end of trip, our guide asked us if we would book another.  I hastily said “yes” but then mentioned we can’t book anything too far in advance - we are back to the three month window.  They often book up a year ahead.  I asked if he’d keep us informed!ds

He thought for a few minutes and realized the truth of what I was saying.  He apologized for keeping totally oblivious to my situation,  and then said after a pause,  but there were signs.

Thinking back over the tours and walks we took, even time on the boat... it would be quite plausible for him the think I was drunk!   He was relieved to hear the whole story.

So the conundrum is - I wish to be taken by new people as a normal person they may know for ten more years if we so choose.

I don’t seek sympathy or advice regarding my illness,  I am in the hands of some great doctors. I will list if there is something they are moved to talk about.

I want to be free to mention where I am when it is pretinent to the conversation. But only to present the paradigm changes brought on by the cancer.

Not everyone needs to know - nor do they need to judge what they don’t know....  true for us all in many situations.

My disease is a true part of who I am today.  I have a great appreciation for each moment, each friend, each adventure I am lucky enough to enjoy.  I want to go through this with authenticity and honesty but not burden friends.

Any thoughts?  Your input is always helpful!  Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Celebrating another SPRING

As we approach our third year anniversary of our marriage,  i become ever so grateful for these wonderful years and my continued good health (relatively speaking).   

The symbolism of Daffodils as a hope for the future led us to seek Spring Flowers in Holland as i hadn't planted to usual several hundred I did the two previous Falls.  The house was surrounded by painters. I was feeling pretty poorly, not thinking straight, due to the brain radiation.  I totally missed the opportunity until the ground had frozen.  

In February, sensing I would be able to make the trip,  John and I scheduled a Barge Trip to Holland at the height of the Keukenoff bulb season.  We were entertained with a huge variety of Tulips, Daffodils Hyachinths, Orchids and Colors! The theme of the season was . "Flower Power".  How beautifully appropriate.

  

We found daffodils

Hyacinths found us

La Nouvelle Etoile -

We traveled for 6 days with two couples from Australia and one from New York.  Lots of laughs and terrific fun.  Would do it again in a heart beat. 

Granpa John reading to William.
William decided to name his  "FaFa".  He had recently dubbed me "GaGa".  The symetry is so simple and appropriate.

I finished my Live Strong Program at the Springfield Y - although the changes weren't so drastic as I had hoped,  I did feel a lot better - which is more important than numbers.  I continued a lot of walking on our trip and need to keep it up.  If you happen to be in the area and would like to go for a walk,  call me and motivate me!  Forest Park right around the corner is a great place to walk, especially not that Spring is on it's way.

March Madness

Things are still going well, for which I am very thankful.  We have had a full winter season so far, and believe there is more to come.  The Live strong program at the YMCA has been a blessing on strength and  energy, not to mention the camaraderie.  the encouragement from these people  encouraged me to try skiing again.  Which I did but not too well.  It was fun.  John came with me the first time - a very good sport - and I went the next day by myself.  I really miss it but am afraid it is just frustrating not having the balance and/or strength I once had.  

regardless,  I have much storage be thankful for.

camaraderie

skiing ? at sundown ski area

march 2014

Weekend in NYC with Opera Falstaff and
Musical Dear Evan Hansen and  dinner at The Mandarin
Oriental - five years since the Brunch Pictures
adjacent

I have been feeling so well,  I almost feel like the little boy who called "wolf" for attention.  Thanks so much for taking the time to check up on me.  At the moment, and hopefully for a good long while, I am not in distress.  Another of my Cancer buddies has gotten some bad news - I am staying positive for her as well as myself.... and for you as well.

here's a smile - Son John with his nephew William
the beard is a big success.

February - a good month

I am still feeling well and planning to stay that way. I was so disappointed in myself for not getting Daffodils planted.. But we have a new plan for April which will celebrate the coming of the Spring with flowers. We are going on another barge cruise to Holland where we should be inundated with tulips of all different colors. We will be too late for the daffodils - might have been too cold - it won't be warm in April. So the celebrations continue. We are looking forward to it. There are 4 cabins on the boat (like our honeymoon) but this time the other three are filled. I am hoping for a fun group - but know that John and I will have a great time.

In the meantime we are keeping busy trying to stay strong and fighting colds.  We are currently having a snow day in the adirondacks because o a blizzard today andcan’t dig out the skimobile.  We will find away tomorrow - since I have a Dr appt with a new Doctor tomorrow.

THE CABIN IN WINTER

 In two weeks we are hoping to go to Raquette late. It is so beautiful in the winter but the snowmobile access may not be right. Last year there wasn't enough snow on the Lake to maneuver the snow mobiles. That's what I heard! I hope it will work this year. The colors are soooo pastel!

John Babson, Me, Dr. John, and Rin at . Oakmont Yacht Club - our Dad's Favorite hangout

This past weekend we went to Pittsburgh to see brother John and his wife Rin. Great tour of the city -John's first time there - some great meals and great company. The weekend before was Don Giovonni at the Met. We are keeping bust and enjoying it all.

``` On the medical side, all is going very well, some very minor side effects from the medicine but very livable. Unfortunately, My Oncologist is leaving the St. Francis so I am starting to look for another. Jorge Rathmann has done a great job and I will miss him.

Hope this finds you well and enduring, perhaps even enjoying the cold of winter if you are near me.  Stay in touch,  I enjoy hearing from you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

January comes and Goes

Since the new year began,  I have been feeling unbelievably better. I hope I do't jinx this, but that is the truth. I am eating pretty normally, sleeping pretty well,  and have begun a "live Strong" exercise program at the local Y.  They put together  a group of 9 people and we meet twice a week.  It is a hoot as it a very diverse group!  I feel I am getting stronger.   - Although we are taking care of a  friend's Black Lab who has me Beat.    Chopin !!   for those of you who remember Beethoven!



I was fortunate to spend five days in Steamboat visiting with Tyler, Jamie and Karen Harrison and Walter Freedman.  Nostalgia ran through me as I remembered all the great family times we were lucky enough to share.   The divergent paths we follow and ho w important it is (at least to me) to pause and reflect - and realize how much i have to be grateful for-and each new day is a gift to cherish.

 On the medical front we have some logistical decisions to make.  My Oncologist Dr. Rathmann, is leaving his practice.  of . course this is distressing because together we have been quite successful!   I will miss him.  We meet next week for the last time and will discuss my next moves.   Hartford is 30 minutes away and Springfield has reportedly equally as good Docs...  but...  My next move for treatment might very well be out of Boston,  Mass General.  Boston is even farther than Springfield.  It's time to gather information and make the decision.  I can only hope it goes smoothly.  It is a little anxiety provoking.

I am looking forward to another weekend with John (brother) and Rin.  Our destination is Pittsburg!  Haven't been there for a while and Dr. John has never - we will no doubt be well fed and amused.

I am getting to spend a couple of mornings each week with William and watch his incredible progress -  It's probably not so incredible to those of you who have Grand children,  but as this is my only one,  each day is a miracle with new discoveries.  How can I help but be Happy!

Thanks for thinking about me and taking the time to read this.  I hope to be a more regular blogger, but it's wonderful to report there is nothing but joy to report!!

Happy new year to us all - as it seems to be speeding by.

Jan

Happy New Year

Since you are reading this, it means WE MADE IT!  There were many times during 2018 I didn't think I would, or even that I had the strength to.  But,  here I am feeling pretty darn good.  It's been a while since I wrote and I have been getting inquiries about my silence.   I apologize for any angst caused, there are times i just don't want to share..  But I am here and well today.  Celebrate with me the milestone of a new year. When I look back on the last three, I am amazed to be here.  I didn't think I'd see 2000 when I was 6 years old and realized how very old I would be by then  - will wonders never cease?


Over the summer,  we had the victorian house painted 7 NEW colors which took every bit of good weather the summer had to offer.  Reaching November and getting back to the wrap around porch,  I realized I had NOT planted any daffodils!  In a panic, I planted 20 in almost frozen ground hopefully anticipating Spring. It's not the same, but I am planning on buying potted forced ones next Spring if  have to!

William with his First Birthday present(s) from Grannie!

It is now two months since William's first birthday.  Mostly, I have been getting stronger and have just signed up the LiveStrong program at the YMCA.  It's a strength building and support program for Cancer patients - hopefully the regiment and camaraderie will keep me motivated during the cold winter months.  I have been isolating myself more than I should and hope this will help.

John and I have concentrated pretty much on our own families and staying close to home.  We have also enjoyed helping Sue and Tom taking care of Fifer - Their Golden Doodle, for which I consider Gracie as the catalyst for her adoption.  She helps fulfill my need for a dog.

Ear troubles have continued to be a bother, both on the balance side but also hearing conversations.  Hearing aids helped some, but between glasses and the wig, my ears outer ear is getting too much attention where my inner ear is where the problem is. I have also been dealing with the feeling of water in my inner ear that  doesn't drain or go away.  Just clicks from one side to the other.  I believe this has affected by balance.  The fear of  falling has been huge.  One question the doctors ask each time I go in is,  "Have you fallen?"  I don't want to have to say yes.  Another question they have asked is about Migraine headaches - to which I have also have been able to respond negatively and wonder why they ask.

 Last Friday it all broke out in a lot of pain to my head.  Is this the Migraine that they were expecting ever since the brain radiation?  I couldn't answer "NO" the next time I was asked.   I had a PET scan appointment already scheduled and a I felt an MRI would be an important thing to have done as well - fearing the outcome but feeling the need to know.  John was with me so I didn't want to tell the boys or anyone.  John and I would hear the news and react as calmly as we could,  when we had the facts.  After the pet scan we went to oncology because i needed and unscheduled visit to my doctor.  We got in and after much discussion an  was ordered.... a tedious, fearful wait, then a 40 minute noisy MRI then back to oncology to wait.    When the doctor came in, the look of doom that had been on her face wasn't there!  Yes, serious, but not the brain issues we feared.  I had an ear infection - more painful than ever as it had progressed - but heavy amoxicillin and other scripts and I am on the mend!!  The ringing has subsided as have the "bubbles" in my ears

(like having water in your ears -which had been going on for months) has subsided.  What a relief.  And I am cleared on the PET SCAN and MRI.

Between ear and stomach issues which were the downsides of the last two months,  John and I have been able to steal precious moments enjoying the many blessings of family as well as of having each other.  In November we had an amazing trip to Costa Rica.   Very relaxing - we staid in the Rain Forest . Nayara Resort and didn't venture too far.  Beautiful and perfect for what we were looking for.  I still pinch myself to realize how lucky I am to have him in my life.

A private romantic dinner on ourr first night.  Only one table for two!

Bring on the new year - and I will celebrate life each day!  i encourage you to do the same.   And stay in touch.

And to have YOU and YOUR interest in my staying alive and vibrant.  Thank for taking the time to keep up.  Drop me a line and let me know how YOU are doing.  Friendship is a two way street.

Happy New Year,

Jan