An emotional memorial

This last week was very bitter sweet. An amazing family gathering in Steamboat Springs, reminiscing over good times shared by the Anderson boys and two of David’s closest friends.  One year after his death, we honored his memory with 4 days of enjoying the Steamboat Springs.

Will, John Davey
Bob Vasko, Tyler, Greg Furda

Tyler and Will organized the outting, renting a house in town for all of us, and a supherb day of fishing on the Yampa.  EVERYONE was successful and caught at least one fish.  More memories to add.

The four sons floated a section of the Yampa north of town while Leigh, Greg, Bob and John and I waded in the icey waters of the Yampa south of town.  

Davey

Johnny

Will

Boys floating

Tyler

Bob Vasko

Leigh Furda with guide
she and Greg caught the most fish

Dr. John

Me

Tuesday the "guys" headed up

Sarvis Creek, another favorite spot of David's, to bid the final formal farewell to the father and friend lost way too early.

The house was well equiped and since we had so many good cooks,  we ate very well every night right at home.  Weather was beautiful and Spring was in full bloom.  

Leaving Steamboat and the four boys was a bit wrenching for me.  So many wonderful memories for so many years, coming to a close...  at least for the time being and with David Sr. making the trip with us.  

In the Yin and Yang of life,  the next planned family trip will be to officially welcome a new member to the Anderson family as Tyler and J'mie will marry.  I am so looking forward to celebrating that event.

Going Forward

When I lost Gracie, I was convinced I would not own another dog - bringing to an end a life long succession of dogs. With a shortened personal planning cycle - 3 months - I didn't feel it would be fair to a dog.  Developing a new relationship only to have it fall apart before it even developed.  (I actually had a bit of the same thoughts about new friends - but that's another story. )

As time has progressed and I am still here and in relatively good health - excellent health - I am feeling more confident about the continuation of my story.  Not having a dog left a large hole in my feeling of my house being my home. 

John and I spent some time pondering the pros and cons of having another dog. John has really never owned a dog before, but loved Gracie. Through a series of serendipitous events, we found ourselves near to the kennel where I got Gracie, and they had an older puppy available... so we went to look. Serendipitously, the dog seemed close to perfect... and made the drive back home (10 hours) with no mishaps.

This was not to continue. A couple of days of adjustment threatened to turn into months and I seriously questioned the decision.  Blessed with John's patience and the help of a couple of trainers, we are on a good track now and have decided to keep him.  We are now embracing him with open arms.  I know this is a very worthwhile venture. 

 I let John name him - a simple name that rolls off of the tongue... So I now introduce you to . LUCRECIUS named after the Epicurean Roman poet.  It is, I am sure, a name he will grow into!

Lucrecius with the Daffodils

Nine months old, 43 pounds and hopefully nearly finished growing.  Golden Doodle.  Friendly, gentle, follows closely, plays "fetch" with the tennis ball...

Keep your fingers crossed that he will continue to be as even tempered and willing to please.  

and that we will have many years of fun together.

Two Years! And people said it wouldn't last!

In one week John and I will be celebrating out two year wedding anniversary!  Seeing these Daffodils poke their heads up through the ice and snow today is a beautiful sign for me - more than ever.  Two and a half years ago,  I made the hopeful act of planting daffodils thinking it was possible I wouldn't see them bloom.  BUT I DID!  John and I got married and set out to enjoy as much of whatever time we were blessed to have together.  Two years later... we still are!  I am so thankful for each day and the treasures they have brought me.  I continue to be amazed.

John and I just returned from Colombia visiting his Colombian family who circumstances brought into his life some 20 plus years ago.  Out of kindness on both sides,  the relationship of these two families is enviable and beautiful.  John's eldest son joined us for parts of the trip.  The welcome of the two daughters, son and parents was beautiful and the product of many years of close friendship.  I felt fortunate to be included and thrilled to see such warmth and dedication.  Colombia is a country in flux, and right now is a great place to visit.  There is much to learn there. 

The continuation of a long time friendship and family relationship had, frankly, concerned me when I have felt so "temporary" myself.  I felt like the "x".  Not the x-wife,  but the X in algebra - the "place holder."   The closeness of the two families has continued through decades - and there was another woman there with John - who was actually most influential in the creation of the closeness.  As the woman who is now at John's side,  and who felt quite "temporary" in that position,  I felt like the x.  Two plus years after the diagnosis,  I don't feel so much like the "x" and am starting to have a little of my own "history" here.  It was wonderful to be part of another page or chapter in the bond between the families and continued mutual affection that has been built.  It was a great trip - and an amazing reality that I feel much more alive than I have. 

John and I spent a couple of days after the visit with the Gomez's in Cartegena by ourselves.  It was truly a magical time.  We stayed in the Old city at the Casa Saint Augustin.  Our room was amazing and it was tempting to just stay in and Google the history of the area!!!    But we ventured out, learned some history, were amazed at the building outside of the Old Town,  and had some incredible meals. 

our own pool with privacy~

dinner outside of the Old Town using it as a glorious backdrop.

Going forward - I am much more open to looking at a longer horizon that I had been - which sometimes scares me.   I do not think about my "disease" as frequently as before, and am even daring to think farther into the future than three months.  

this continues to be an amazing journey.  

THE RESULTS ARE IN

Thursday morning I had an email from St. Francis informing me that my PET scan results were posted.  At 6 am I signed on to my account with a bit of anxious anticipation.  I carefully read every work looking for key words indicating changes.  But when the last line read "No new abnormal activity in the lung to suggest recurrence" . I was much relieved.  To confirm what I was seeing,  I asked John read it.  Same conclusion.

Then more blood work and a visit to Dr.  Rathman on Friday and all confirmed !!!  Next appointment in 2 months.  Celebrate with me!  wherever you may be.

Thanks for your concern!

Checking in - all is well

Another month passes and I continue to thrive with the chemo regiment.  I count my blessings everyday.  PET scan Friday, Dr visit Monday - quick update will follow, but I foresee no problems based on how I have been feeling.

John and I have taken up pickle ball!  Seems to be the thing to do - wonder if any of you are playing?  John, having played racket sports most of his life,  is much more natural at it than I.  We make a great team - he carries me most of the time, and continues to be patient with me even in the competitive environment!  Of course,  having not done much exercise  recently, and using my left side and arm more than usual - it causes aches as muscles get used…. And this cycles through my brain as strange sensations in my Chest… and the rest is just plain anxiety.  I share this with you only to share how pervasive this situation is even though all indications are positive.  Meanwhile.  Anyone else enjoying this sport?

My last big birthday,  John and I discussed what kind of a party I would like.  After much thought I decided I didn’t want a party,  but what I wanted was  to have time with each person I would have liked to celebrate my birthday with.  I wanted to have a dinner with each one, one at a time.  I wanted to share special time with EACH.  With that goal in mind,  we have successfully spent great one on one time with many friends.  Dallas friends, High school friends, having baby friends….  throughout the last year.  This month was a continuation!

Jim Hancock, Suzan Zeder and ME in Santa Fe

I took a four day run away trip to Santa Fe earlier in the month to visit a dear friend from High School and her husband -  there was some wonderful magic there.  

We just returned from traveling through Florida enjoying  the luxury of friendships.  The time of sharing was defined,  for this trip, as spending an evening, a night and breakfast with someone near and dear from my history.  I was anxiously look forward to this dedicated time of friendship.   I hadn’t seen a few of these friends for over 10 years - but each welcomed us both with open arms and hearts. It was an amazing encapsulation of many facets of my life- and John is still with me!

 We covered Florida from Fort Lauderdale through Naples and Sarasota, across Sebring area  and Jacksonville.  Even found a smidgen of time for ourselves to quick check in on St. Augustine and Amelia Island.  We have a pretty well rounded view of the state. and a great appreciation for the strength of friendships.  I didn’t get pictures as each of our stops - too busy talking!  There are a few below to share. 

John with Dougie Schlicher in Fort Lauderdale

Me and Barbie Ludwig at Pine Island

with Maria Johnson at Boca Grande

at Bob Vasko's place in Sarasota

with Charlotte and Gary Ehlig in Ponte Vedra

One lesson I learned - and there are many - is that almost ALL of us have some serious situations we are and have faced.  Health, finances, family... but the strength of getting through it has made many a friend stronger.  Remission is a very important word.  Within my small circle there are a lot of barely known diseases and a number of miraculous new findings in these fields.  I now can listen and hear much more of the individual stories.  There is a lot of hope out there.  

I was greatly encouraged for my own journey realizing that I am far from alone.  Non of us are,  sometimes we just feel that way.  John was surprised with the planning of the trip - partly because i had the "courage" to ask friends if we could visit.  I am so glad I did,  and encourage you to do the same,  You will be surprised as the welcome you get.   Come visit us!!

By the way,  If WE haven't had that time together,  I might be uncomfortable asking you - so call ME!!

Of course,  I missed seeing my new man for over a week and am anxious to see him when the snow stops falling.  William makes it extra special to get back home.

Oncology Appointment

Almost two and a half years have passed since Diagnosis Day.  I am reflective - reflecting - pondering the time and maybe the meaning - but certainly the blessing I have had and realize more than ever.  Nothing has changed - at least that I know of - I am about to have my appointment after 2 months of time off.  It's the longest between appointments.  They said it was because I was doing so well.  I'll go with that.

Two and a half years - intense awareness of each moment.  Appreciation for the opportunities that have been given to me.  The time with my boys - the ability to entertain them here and to go visit them there.  And of course the most recent addition!   Who knew how much fun that would be?  OK - You ALL knew but I couldn't let myself go there until...   Suffice it to say that I have never been so focused and in the moment as when I get to spend time with that sweet little boy who is just learning how to laugh.  What a skill!

OK - I digress.

The opportunity to  visit with and spend special time with friends, near and far.  A wonderful week with Dallas friends, upcoming second attempt at visiting Florida friends,  catching up with California friends in California and in Longmeadow.

Travel to areas of great intrigue, experience different cultures, histories, vistas - what a beautiful world.  And then to come home, recharge relax enjoy John's company and cooking and cozy down into our home.  I am one lucky girl.

then WHY do I feel depressed sometimes?  Reality of the loss of David Sr.  Missing my precious Gracie.  Sadness of passing of dear friends...

  and then there is  this cloud looming over my head.  I don't look like sick (stage four sick whatever that looks like), I don't feel like it,  and I am beating the odds.  How long will that be true?  My friends tell me I am going to be around a long time.  But I still feel there is some kind of race with the clock.  And I feel it most strongly before PET scans and before Oncology appointments.  Anticipation - Carly Simon - of another appointment, concerned that I don't ask all the questions I want to (maybe out of fear), that HE hears something different in my chest,  concern that there is a change somewhere else in my body that triggers an alarm.  This is the time the changes are noticed.  So I get depressed, scared, shut down my feelings, go under a rock, shut out my friends... - and then it will be over - the appointment that is.

I'll get back to you - just wanted share - it helps me.


Returned from the Dr. and all seems well - Pet Scan and next appointment scheduled for 2 months out!

Christmas... Again

Merry Christmas to all...so glad to be here for another one.

I can't believe it's been two months since I last wrote.  My new status as Grandmother has been joyfully preoccupying.  Should I bore you with pictures?  He is ADORABLE and a beautiful blend of Will and KA - maybe a little more Will right now!

We also have taken some time to take Johnny and a Alex Coker - a friend from Dallas now in NYC -  to the Met to see the Magic Flute - a great treat and fun to share.

Each milestone makes me more thankful, and, a little scared.  As my "situation" has made me concentrate more on enjoying each day as much as I can,  each person as dearly as I can,  each moment as candidly as I can - the milestones also make me wary of how fast time is passing. I am being blessed with many days, weeks, even years, through the efforts of our medical world.  Each morning when I take my chemo, every night when I take it again, I am conscious of the reality of where I am.  I am not dwelling on it, just acknowledging it.  In fact, many mornings I get ready for the day and have forgotten to put on the support hose that keep my feet from swelling out of my shoes.  I retrench and start that process over,  again reminded.  So it goes and I am thankful.  Another Christmas.

For us, there are some adjustments and changes from last year.   David is no longer part of it,  which adds much sadness and emptiness.  The first year without him - especially tough on our boys.  David and Tyler are not making it home because of job commitments.  Will and KA are staying in Suffield - it's "our" turn.  Johnny has come in from Boston.  We will be a small group Christmas Eve - but it will be good.  Dr. John has his family traditions of Christmas Eve, equally important to his group - so we are dividing to conquer.  It will be strange not to be with him - but it's only for a night.

I was lucky enough to carve out three days last week and visit with David Jr in Austin.  John and I will head to Steamboat for a quick visit with Tyler and J'mie early January - so I will celebrate Christmas with all the boys!  A well worked series of compromises.

Happy Holidays to you all and maybe our paths will cross in the new year.  I sure hope so.