Mixed messages

First - a report on thee DAFFODILS

 The daffodils were all out in full bloom around the house.... Successful conclusion of my efforts in the Fall.

And a report on the HONEYMOON

A marvelous trip to Southern France barging near Toulouse! Simply marvelous. Four guests and four in staff... A very personal trip. Thank you Dale and Doug Bruce for letting us know about this opportunity! That was the week of April 30th to May 8th.  Aboard the Rosa with Captain/owner cook Dominique backed up by Elissa, Adele, and Pierre.



We were two of four passengers (usually there are 8 but it was early in the season).

These guys took amazing care of us.    Adele, Elissa, Dominique and Pierre.

Every day we had a short tour of something in the morning to return to the barge for lunch on deck...cruising, and then a gourmet dinner!   Wine pairing and amazing food. 

Many locks to pass through and an aqua passage - bridge over another river!   

Canal was lined with Plane trees.  

A little bit of heaven during thin the south of France.

We returned home and I had another week of feeling well before another chemo session.   I feel so great before the treatments.... I start to dread the next chemo....however...it is keeping me here!   I'll keep at it.

And then the MIXED MESSAGES

Last Friday I had a good visit with my doctor.. He, as always, asked me about many possible side affects of this treatment. I answer most of those questions negatively but with the fear for things in my future.   I have to not go there in my mind, but it's hard.We also discussed the plan, continuing as is as long as it works and side affects are minimal.  He told me of another patient that had 30 of these treatments and then times without any chemo.    That sounds really good to me, now.  I have had 7 so far.      Then he mentioned the next treatment procedure and the OTHER side affects there.   This is truly a  ying and yang path I am on.  

I want to know more about the treatments and what to expect - Part of me does.  There are great advances being made here and new studies everywhere.  I believe I am in very good hands in St. Francis and with John.  So I think I will read a little at a time.  It does cause additional worry.  Right now I am very thankful that I am on this one course and can stay with it.  

AS you can tell, John has been and contiues to be a fabulous companion.  He keeps me so busy,  I hardly have time to think!  We had a very busy weekend visiting old friends, collegues and family.  Next weekend seems he has more time off and we had little planned - so we are going to head to Austin to see David Jr and get some Texas music in our blood!  

Having Cancer has made both of us aware of limitations on what lies ahead - the biggest is TIME.  We all know that - not just those that have "a diagnosis".  But when you get "the diagnosos" the essence of time has more meaning and it has made John and I and those close to us really work on "carpe diem" and not just promises of someday.  I wish that for each of you.

and the Most Recent WORD from the LABYRINTH is  "STILL HERE"!!!

It has been weeks since I have been to the labyrinth.  The clutter and crush of too much to do: travel, tutoring and endless errands swallowed days and weeks in a single gulp.  Spring, which seemed to come so slowly,  now rushes at us headlong, propelled by the bluster of the incessant Santa Fe winds that carry the memory of winter. So, it was wonderful to return to the labyrinth this morning.  I have missed this quiet place and missed bringing each of you with me here.

And there it was,  stretched out before me, whispering “I’m still here!”

Still here unbruised and unblemished by the wars of winter.  

Still here with paths washed clean by recent rains.  

Still here waiting for the walking. 

And so I walked, reciting each of your names as I always do, over and over, bringing you closer, over miles and time, and other illusions of separation. Still here in the middle of the miracle of an everyday journey in ordinary time.

And as I was leaving the labyrinth, I looked back and noticed the pattern of sunlight and shadow that I could not see while I was walking.

It formed an almost perfect image of yin and yang: light curving into darkness, the balance of opposites, a parting gift from the labyrinth.

And so, I am Still here

Walking the labyrinth

With you

For you

Still here…...

Let the fun begin.

Am l a Lucky girl? Or what....

From Hartford to Toulouse to Rosa....we commence our "barge" trip.   Although the barge is able to take 8 people.... There are only 4 of us,

Here we are on the ROSA welcomed with a champagne.   And so it begins.... 

Unbelievable dinner with... My favorite... Wine pairing... 

More to come but right now I am too busy watching locks and digesting lunch.   

Celebrate!! April 23rd more happiness in my life!

John and I had been planning on this before the "'diagnosis" - but it met with some snags along the way....  questions of timing and implementation which finally lost out to the need to act normal,  try to lead as normal as possible an existance,  not the the cancer rule our lives... and a tremendous desire to make US official and to celebrate.

So we Got MARRIED! Saturday the 23rd of April in Suffield, CT at the Second Baptist church.  A very small affair - just our immediate families - 13 in all.  Short and sweet ceremony with personalized vows. Then a ride back to the house for a dinner John insisted on cooking to celebrate!  Friends helped with flowers, dress selection, gaity and celebration.  Family all make it even David Jr who left Austin at 6 that morning.

I feel so beautifully blessed and still amazed that I John is in my life.

Here are a few pictures of the event.... speaks more than words right now!

Love to all and thanks for your interest.

I now face a few days of chemo recovery and then we are off for a week of honeymooning!

Another PET scan

 Last Friday was another PET scan!  It was supposed to be Monday but, like many others around here, I had a horrible cough and cold/flu.   I couldn't be still for 15 minutes..  The good news is that my reaction to chemo wasn't so bad-or didn't appear so since I felt so bad from the flu!

. So we rescheduled the scan to Friday..  I didn't sleep well.  On the way to the hospital we had a flat tire!!! John suggested I call the hospital.... I called UBER!!!!  I didn't have to reschedule.  John got new tires while I fell asleep during the scan!    Word back from the scan.... All is still working with chemo and we will continue!

Daffodil update!  A spring has sprung and it't glorious!  First batch is up.

Happy little faces follow the sun!  This is one batch, those surrounding the house are a bit later!   I am hoping they will all be flowering by the 23rd!

I am putting this and the previous post up late because..... I need to get this info out to keep you up to date... Because more news is coming of a different sort... Happiness... I needed to clear the info of medical stuff.

So great that Spring is here... New life everywhere! 

10th Chemo. Written April 2nd

One more treatment yesterday.... Had to come home from California and a wonderful trip visiting both John's family and some of my friends.  An India Indian wedding provided great entertain and an education!  

Here's a picture of the Deweese contingent- John's two sisters and their husbands, a nephew and wife with new baby and a cousin of John's with her husband...the father of the bride!  Beautiful series of venues, beautiful sari's and dancing... And lots of people.

Then a trip to Santa Rosa, Leigh and Greg Furda and some vineyards followed.

Here we are at vineyard on our way to see Leigh and Greg.  

A visit to Oakland with ELLEN and Bob ANSEL followed by a dinner with Ting - another of John's "adopted" daughters.

 It was a great trip which kept me from thinking too much about the Cancer.  Unfortunately, not completely as I realized more that walking up altitudes left me short of breath.  I really need to exercise more!!  Also swollen feet became a new symptom to be dealt with!  

At the Doctor visit for the Chemo I mentioned the swollen feet which led to the need for ultrasound to check for blood clots... Fortunately nothing found!

So we are off to New York for the last opera of the season!   Make these cancer thoughts go away!  

I am at the juncture for another PET scan in the next couple of weeks!  Keep me in your prayers.

Late blog and Early Spring

I have been quiet on the blog because everything is going according to schedule and there is, happily, little to report.   The three week cycle from chemo to chemo is pretty predictable now.  Nausea,sleepiness, gassiness, itching, difficulty sleeping, .... all take their toll during the three weeks.  A very strange side effect is that my palms, beneath the baby finger, goes through something like 5 days of itching!   No rash, nothing visible, just feels really good to scratch it!  I must ask the doctor!  Fortunately I have more than two weeks of feeling pretty good.  

Appetite change has also been significant.  The metal taste in my mouth, along with "fuzzy feeling" teeth make foods taste quite different and the appeal is not consistent with what I used to like - or like when I don't have the metal taste.  I still have a very good appetite and have gained 10 pounds since this started.  We must attribute that to John's cooking!  He keeps me well nourished.

John and I were not able to get to the lake house this winter because there wasn't enough snow for the snowmobile!  We were both disappointed, as was his son John who was going to join us.  The colors are so beautiful in the winter and everything is amazingly quiet.    We are hoping to get there early spring before the blackflies come. When I left for the last time last October, I was doubtful I would return.... But life goes on.   I think I'll celebrate!

  In the meantime we've been to Maine, New York City, Coronado CA., Vermont, and Naples, Florida.  We are headed to California for a wedding and more travel is imminent!  I know I am a very lucky girl - in an unlucky situation.   Got to stay positive!

Remember the daffodils I planted last Fall?  Some are more advanced than others.  It's  A little early for the daffodils to be this large.   Crazy winter in New England as far as weather goes.  Other daffodils I planted are not quite so mature.   Hopefully will have some time for the pretty yellow flowers around the yellow house!

I do apologize if my silence in the blog has caused any of more concern about me - know that I am still doing very well health wise and life wise.  Stay in contact even if I may go quiet.   I will try to be more consistent - every two weeks?   We will see.

Love to all.  Enjoy the Spring- you know I will be!  Rebirth and hope.

Suzan's labyrinth

Since the beginning of MY journey with this disease, I have had the support of many friends.  All your cards, notes, emails, calls, and even viits have been most encouraging!   

I am singled out one particular support story because I think you will like it.  SUSIE ZEDER is a writer,  by profession but also by an amazing gift.   She was obviously gifted in High School and the gift has been nurtured, grown, shared, and inspired many.   When shel learned I had Cancer, she had 5 other friends as well.   She committed to walking her labyrinth,  invoking our names,  and seeking a WORD of inspiration, strength, or just what we might need to know.   More people have been added, and fortunately theatres have continued.   I will give you a sampling.  

Here is her first word from the labyrinth

Dearest Legion of Ladies!

I did not get to the labyrinth yesterday because we were supposed to go to my sister’s for Turkey day and at the very last minute her oven went kaput  and everything had to be moved here.  So it was a culinary ballet of flying pots and pans and sauces splashing, culminating with my browning the marshmallows on top of the yams with a blow torch because there wasn’t a free spot in the oven. But we all survived, except the turkey who was a nobel bird raised by local turkey farmer dedicated to providing his free ranging turkeys with the highest possible quality of life before T’day. His motto is “All Turkeys die, but not many of them truly live!.”  I like the “truly live part” and I think it a great way to start my words to you from the labyrinth in the spirit of the mantra of “truly living.”

So I went the the labyrinth this morning, a blustery, chilly morning with snow flurries racing about and a wind chill that sliced through the open air like a paper cut! I stood there overlooking the mountains that seemed a chilly blue themselves, even the sky seemed cold. I evoked each of your names and dedicated the walk to you and asked for a word. It came about 3/4 of the way through my trek, on the homeward lap… Perseverance!  Now it may have been the weather, but one simply can’t deny a word from the labyrinth!  

In walking the labyrinth,perseverance is putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that the path will take you out…or in, depending on where you are in your journey.  On the way in it takes you to the center, but the path is never a straight one, it loops and turns back on itself, and just when you think you are getting to the heart of the labyrinth, it swings you outward again, but eventually you get there. The same is true with the path on the way out, you never think it is going to be over and then it is…. so whether you are on your way in or on your way out of the labyrinth, all you really have is just that one step, and then the next, and then the next!

So I am sending each of you love and healing thoughts, whether you are on the way in or on the way out of this part of your journey. Each step holds a different experience, each step is hard  and each step is precious because it lead to the next one and the next… I hope your steps today are peaceful and filled with the abundance of Thanksgiving.  I give thanks every day that each of you are in my life!

Suzan

This next word really got to my as my instinct to run away was strong.    I hope you enjoy it as much as I did... I cry when I read it out loud!!!

Dearest Legion!

It was 19 degrees when I walked this morning, ground frozen with a slight sheen of ice crystals and my breath a cloud of silver. Zack accompanied me, but knew not to enter the labyrinth….no dogs allowed inside, so he hunkered down at the entrance, but did not lie down paw over paw feigning disinterest as he usually does.  I was soon to discover why. He sat bolt upright, alert, ears pricked…

So I started walking as the sun spread a buttery glow over the rocks bringing them to life one by one. A few words flitted through my mind, as quick as the sparrows peppering the bird feeders.   The first word was ”breath", no doubt inspired by the frozen puffs from my nostrils. Another word, “wholeness", which came to jim on his walk, but that was his word for you, not mine. Finally when I got to the very center of the labyrinth, where words usually wait for me to catch up to them, I heard it. A sharp piercing sound followed by a cacophony of yips, yaps and yelps, somewhere between terror and ecstasy, shattering the silence, tearing through the air: A choir of coyotes in full throated pursuit of their breakfast, lots of them, much too close, many too many, seemingly circling us in the arroyo  below us just out of sight!  Their cries were ragged with wildness!

Zack lurched in their direction, about to bolt.  “STAY!” I barked.  I made eye contact and held it. He sat back down, every muscle quivering. The chorus continued, circling and circling. I resisted the impulse to leap out of the labyrinth, grab Zack by the scruff of the neck and escape down the path back to the house.  Instead I stayed put, holding eye contact, saying over and over again… in my calmest voice, “Stay, stay, stay” …and stay he did.  Only the strength of my tone and the leash of my voice held him in the place where he was safe.  Every animal cell in his body called him to race in the direction of the wildness , chasing,  or following, or blindly heading into the trap of the pack.  Slowly I backed out the the labyrinth, following the circuitous route in reverse, keeping eye contact, saying over and over….”Stay, stay, stay, stay!  In a suspended moment of the triumph of domestication over instinct,  he stayed put until I reached him and patted his head.  The spell was broken and we walked quietly together  to the house without looking back, just as Jim was headed out the back door to see if we had lost our minds.  The coyotes continued wailing in vain, their power broken, their cries now hollow.

So, the word for today is Stay.

STAY, when the wildness of fear is everywhere in the air.  Stay, when despair and danger beckons.  Stay, when instinct bids you to fly into the very place that can do you the most damage.  

My wish for each of you today is tostay in that safe place within you, a place so deep that the wildness cannot touch you.

Be well!

Suzan 

Please know all your support sustains me the rough this fight and journey

Jan